Over the past 10 years my life has had a few highs and many extreme lows. Through it all I felt like God was teaching me something, whether it be strength or faith or love or what not. I have always tried to take everything that has been handed to me with a smile and turn it into a learning experience or a better understanding of what it is to have faith in God.
This year, instead of a New Years resolution I started praying daily for a crisis free 2009. Almost immediatly Joe and I started to deterierate even more than normal and shortly there after Joe injured his back, and shortly there after I found out that so much of our relationship had been a lie, and shortly there after I couldn't take any more and I left, and shortly there after I found myself at age 30 at my parents house, not sure what was worse, and shortly there after my sister died.
So what if this time I can't smile. What if this time I don't have enough faith or maybe even any. What if this time I want to scream at God and say Why do you hate me so much. What if this time I can't get down on my knees and I just turn around and walk away instead. What if this time I can't praise Him through my storm. What if this time all I can see is how I can never catch a break and I just get screwed time and time again and I just say Fuck it all.
I've been praying for 10 years that God would bring me a friend and instead I loose my sister who is also friend, my only friend, my best friend. I can't see through all of this fog this time. The road map is all fuzzy and I don't know where to go. I know in my head who can lead me, but I don't think my heart wants to trust anymore.
Maybe I never had the faith that I thought I did. Maybe I was lying to myself and to God because when the going got tough and wouldn't let up, I gave up. I give up. I can't see the good in it all. I can't see You in it all. I can't be strong anymore. I just don't want to be strong anymore.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
What if
Posted by Erin at 12:42 AM
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3 comments:
I can think of all sorts of answers. . .but every one seems trite and useless. So I won't even try for now; maybe when I come down we can talk, if you want. Otherwise, the only answer I know is this: we love you. God loves you. Desperately. Neither death nor life nor anything in all creation can separate you from that love.
Dan, It would be lovely to talk, but a little disclaimer on this blog as I've had a few people call me, e-mail me, myspace me, facebook me. I'm not giving up on life or God. I was having a momentary meltdown, but as usual, I'll get over it, pick up and move on. Don't freak out. I'm fine.
I honestly didn't even think people read this thing since I don't post things often.
Erin,
Of course people read your blog. You may not be as loud and needy as Kimberly, but you are as important to me as she was.
You are always in my heart and my prayers. I know you have been in a dry desert for a long time, and I know being here is not easy.
My heart cries out to God for you. I yearn to make your life better, but I cannot.
I cannot promise you anything except what you already know: I love you. God does too. I know you know that. I know your blog was crying out to Him.
I pray He brings you the peace you need.
Aching for you,
Mom
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