What if

Over the past 10 years my life has had a few highs and many extreme lows. Through it all I felt like God was teaching me something, whether it be strength or faith or love or what not. I have always tried to take everything that has been handed to me with a smile and turn it into a learning experience or a better understanding of what it is to have faith in God.
This year, instead of a New Years resolution I started praying daily for a crisis free 2009. Almost immediatly Joe and I started to deterierate even more than normal and shortly there after Joe injured his back, and shortly there after I found out that so much of our relationship had been a lie, and shortly there after I couldn't take any more and I left, and shortly there after I found myself at age 30 at my parents house, not sure what was worse, and shortly there after my sister died.
So what if this time I can't smile. What if this time I don't have enough faith or maybe even any. What if this time I want to scream at God and say Why do you hate me so much. What if this time I can't get down on my knees and I just turn around and walk away instead. What if this time I can't praise Him through my storm. What if this time all I can see is how I can never catch a break and I just get screwed time and time again and I just say Fuck it all.
I've been praying for 10 years that God would bring me a friend and instead I loose my sister who is also friend, my only friend, my best friend. I can't see through all of this fog this time. The road map is all fuzzy and I don't know where to go. I know in my head who can lead me, but I don't think my heart wants to trust anymore.
Maybe I never had the faith that I thought I did. Maybe I was lying to myself and to God because when the going got tough and wouldn't let up, I gave up. I give up. I can't see the good in it all. I can't see You in it all. I can't be strong anymore. I just don't want to be strong anymore.